I Saw Metallica, Pantera, and Mammoth WVH and I Was the Best at It

This past Friday night, I went to see the heavy metal bands Metallica, Pantera, and Mammoth WVH at the MetLife Stadium in New Jersey, which holds over 80,000 people (the stadium, not the state of New Jersey, which holds more, many of them for life). Metallica, which was the main heavy metal band, was playing two nights at the stadium, the first night with Pantera and Mammoth WVH, which is awesome, and then a second night with Five Finger Death Punch and Ice Nine Kills opening so total wusses could come to one of the shows too.

I went to the concert with my super hot girlfriend, so if you went to the concert that night too and saw a woman, odds are pretty good it was her. There were a lot of other people on the train from fucking Penn Station going to the show, but everyone could totally tell I was the most metal, as evidenced by the fact that when we got to fucking Secaucus and had to switch trains, I bought a big beer at the convenience store there and drank it right in front of the cops while staring at them all like “What?” I do shit like this all the time.

We got to the MetLife Stadium aka the Meadowlands a short while later. I hate when big corporations put their name on a stadium. I know MetLife probably thinks it’ll make everyone buy their dumb insurance, but guess what MetLife- I already have insurance through Aetna and I got full dental coverage and everything so when I go to the dentist, I just walk out of there without paying the bill and they can’t say shit about it. How’s your dumb stadium now?

Once we got inside, I got another cold one (beer) and my girlfriend and I headed to our seats, which were in section 116, row 13, which is awesome cuz of Danzig. Almost as soon as we sat down (for like a second- I just had to tie my shoe), Mammoth WVH, which is the band of Wolfgang Van Halen, son of Eddie Van Halen and Valerie Bertinelli, who is also super hot and was on One Day at a Time, came on. Mammoth WVH were seriously excellent at music. My only real complaint is that, as best I could tell, Wolfgang Van Halen didn’t do any Eddie Van Halen-style right hand tapping, even though I was hoping it would happen the whole time whether he wanted it to or not, almost like it was some sort of genetic condition he had zero control over, kind of like how I get sunburnt really easily and also have a huge dong. Also, Wolfgang Van Halen wore cut-off jean shorts on stage like he was helping a friend move a couch or something instead of opening up for fucking Metallica in a stadium not even that far from my house. Get your shit together and put some damn pants on, Wolfgang. Your dad wrote “Eruption”! Fuck.

After Mammoth WVH finished, I headed upstairs to get like five or six more beers and also a chicken sandwich with fries. My girlfriend wanted a bottled water so I got that shit too cuz you’re with me you get treated like fucking gold. I also took a wizz so massive I was worried the governor might have to issue a flood warning for the entire state of New Jersey. Also, on the way back to our seats, I could tell pretty much everyone wanted to high-five me because of how metal I am but I couldn’t because of the sandwich. Sorry, dudes.

When my super hot girlfriend took a bite of the chicken sandwich, which we were originally just gonna split, she decided it was too spicy for her so I just ate the whole thing cuz fuck it and it was honestly kind of mild for me cuz I’m basically a fucking Viking. Also, I forgot to mention the fries were garlic parmesan, the most metal of all fries- yes, including Cajun fries, which are bullshit. But they were cold so I ended up just whipping them at some guy in an Avenged Sevenfold T-shirt’s head.

A few minutes later, fucking Pantera came on stage. It should be noted that singer Philip Anselmo was wearing shorts, which is fine because my whole shorts thing is on a leg-by-leg basis anyway and I happen to know for a fact that Philip has a genetic condition that causes his body to reject fabric below the knee so I had zero problem with it. What I said about Wolfgang still stands! Also, you are probably wondering at this point whether or not I saw Pantera a couple nights earlier in Camden, New Jersey along with Lamb of God and Child Bite and whether or not I totally hung out with the band and everything, and the answer is yeah, duh. I do shit like this all the time too.

Because I am so metal the TSA guy makes me lie down on the fucking conveyor belt every time I go to the airport, I saw Pantera a bunch of times with the classic lineup of Philip Anselmo, Rex Brown, and, of course, the late brothers Dimebag Darrell and Vinnie Paul and they were the best at heavy metal every time, so I was super excited to see them again tonight. This go-round, Philip and Rex had Charlie Benante from Anthrax on drums and Zakk Wylde from Guitar Center on guitar and it was also super awesome. They fucking walked out there and opened with “A New Level” from Vulgar Display of Power, one of the best albums to listen to while kicking ass or honestly even just running errands. Then they played “Mouth for War,” “5 Minutes Alone,” “Walk, and a bunch of other awesome Pantera songs and I was singing along so loud that everyone in my section practically begged me to join Pantera on stage right then and there but I was just like “Fuck you- let the guys do their thing. This isn’t about me that much!” Besides I was feeling kind of sick from that sandwich.

After Pantera finished schooling fuckers on heavy metal and about 500 other things most people can’t handle for like an hour straight, I got in the line for the bathroom behind like 4000 other dudes, drained it, got myself another coldie (beer) and headed back to our seats to watch Metallica. What with how metal I am, I’ve seen Metallica like 700 times too and I was excited to see them again tonight, especially since they would have to follow Pantera tonight instead of Five Finger Death Punch, who are for junior high school students and also grown men with flavored vapes, so you know they weren’t fucking around.

Metallica came out and started being awesome at heavy metal basically immediately by playing “Creeping Death,” one of their best songs, from Ride the Lightning, my favorite album by them because it is the best. Then they kept on playing Metallica songs, which ruled. At one point, the new guy in the band, Robert Trujillo, who has only been playing bass with them since 2003 or some shit, stepped up to the microphone and started talking and I was worried he would be tackled by a roadie right then and there. But then it turned he and Kirk Hammett were gonna play a song for everybody, which was kind of genius because you gotta figure James and Lars had to piss super bad by then anyway.

After James and Lars finished taking a leak, Metallica played a couple songs from their new album 72 Seasons, which was cool because I had to take a leak by then too, before going back to their older songs, which was awesome. At one point, I was rocking out so hard to “Seek and Destroy” that you could tell Lars Ulrich was honestly thinking of asking me to join the band, which would be cool and all but I got other shit to do, bro.

For the show’s finale, a bunch of huge beach balls with 72 Seasons artwork fell from the sky. Would it have been cooler if they had artwork from the first four albums instead? Sure. But it was still awesome seeing all those people get balls dropped on their heads. Honestly if there aren’t beach balls at the next concert I go to I will be super fucking pissed.

After the show, my girlfriend and I were gonna get pizza once we got back home but everything was closed. Fuck.